I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
