Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
