her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize