Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Randomize