More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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