I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
