i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
