I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
