i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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