Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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