When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
