I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
