you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
