ya dads aren't the best wingmen
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Randomize
