my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
