Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
