Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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