I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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