My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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