I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So much rum. So many feels.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I smell like Dick and happiness
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
