I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
