I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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