the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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