Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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