his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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