so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Less talking, more tequila
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
