I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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