i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
