as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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