Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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