Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
