I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
