I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
