when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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