I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
