I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
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