Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
