So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
