remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
