she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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