i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
