I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
