Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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