I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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