I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
