Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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