careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I checked into jail on foursquare
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.