What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
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You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
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Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?