strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
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We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I AM VODKA MAN
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Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate