I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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