I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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