in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
my liver is dry heaving
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
