Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
