I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
