Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
