It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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