I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
