I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
it's like iHOP with fire
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
