Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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