I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
