I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
