Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
