Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
she peed on how many people?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
