Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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